I had a moment last night.

I had a moment as in reaching my boiling point where I have just about had it with living out here in the middle of what I consider nowhere and having no human contact whatsoever. The thing that sparked this moment was pasta sauce.

One thing you need to know about living in the burbs is you sacrifice convenience. You no longer can just walk to the supermarket or your local bodega if you don’t happen to have the key ingredient for a meal, if you want to go out and get a late-night snack, or if you get off the subway on your way home to buy something for dinner.

What sucks is if you live in the burbs, every freakin store is over a mile away (unless you live in a hip area like Edgewater or Hoboken or if you happen to live in the not so great parts of Paterson or Newark). I came home after going to the Super Stop and Shop (never even heard of the place till I moved out here) to realize that I forgot the pasta sauce. Ever have those moments when you’re looking through your fridge or pantry and pray by some miracle you have some condiment you forgot and by luck, you find it in the corner of the cupboard? No such luck here.

It sucks once you’re in your nice warm home to have to go out again just because you forgot to buy the $%! sauce. When I was living in Queens, I’d say screw it and walk to the corner bodega and yeah, pay a little more than what it cost at C-Town but at least I didn’t have to walk two extra blocks. Now I have to drive a mile just for freakin sauce!

What’s worse is that Super Stop and Shop is the most expensive supermarket in the area. I remember when we were first looking at houses my agent pointed out the Super Stop and Shop saying, “Yeah its convenient, but go to the Pathmark instead.” She failed to mention that you have to get on the highway and drive 3 mile to go to Pathmark! At this point, did I really care about getting ripped off? Did I care back then that I was being overcharged at the bodega? Where does it say you have to eat spaghetti with pasta sauce? My mom would use butter and garlic if we had no sauce! But no! How can you have turkey meatballs with butter (despite my doctor telling me to cut all this crap out to begin with and eat more veggies in my diet)?

Doesn’t it seem funny to you when you’re waiting at the register and you see some lady with a cart filled with crap to point where the items she has are spilling out of her shopping cart? I bet you she doesn’t run out of pasta sauce!

So yeah, I had a moment when my wife came home and she asked me if I was all right which I answered no, I wasn’t. I needed to get the hell out of the house before I pulled a Shining. I took a ride to the Bronx with the Ipod, parked the car and walked past every bodega muttering under my breath that they have no idea how lucky they were to be able to walk from the lobby of their building and walk into their local store to buy Mazola corn oil or a Table Talk Pie. The only thing I can find if I even make an attempt to venture out to “Main Street” is kosher pizza.

Eventually I calmed down and did some breathing exercises I saw one morning on TV. I apologized to my wife for scary the crap out of her and went to bed.

I don’t want to say I hate it out here (ok, maybe a little) but I am finding it hard adjusting. I’m used to sidewalks, open 24 hour stores, and having a Dunkin Donuts. Do you know there is no Dunkin Donuts in Teaneck apart from the one that is on Route 4? You have to travel to next area in Bergen County to get a doughnut. Don’t know whether to laugh or throw my keyboard against the wall.